Monday, March 12, 2012

Weary in my soul

I try to be real here...

I am tired, weary in my soul. I have a longing for my sons like you just wouldn't believe. Each day that passes, the hope that I will be with Joseph on his 7th birthday passes quietly with it. I know, it will be over soon. They will be home and my arms and my hands will be full, but it's not ENOUGH for this Mama's heart. 

7 birthdays is too many to spend without being a part of a family. My heart aches for my boys. Eli, Julie and I were talking about the boys on the way home tonight and Eli said, "He'll get to be the boy he was always meant to be." He was talking about his brother, the one, who is not everything God created him to be. The one, who has spent years and years alone and lonely. My heart cries, that it's not ENOUGH. 

God, hear my heart's cry. Let your grace wash over me, anew. Meet me in this place of not knowing the whys, of not loving the timing. Find me here in this place of discontent, longing for MORE. Hold me together and let new mercies greet me tomorrow. It's not always pretty, but it's real.

The promise is beauty for ashes, but to find the beauty, we must first be refined by the fire. The fire is not fun, the process is painful, but JOY comes in the morning. 

Until tomorrow,


  1. Oh, Mandy. Hugs. Praying for the news of preparing to head back for Joseph and Samuel comes soon, even if it's not soon enough. Keep pressing on! <3

  2. Today has been one of those days for me too. I sat and read the blog posts about Sam over and over again and cried. I don't know how you are doing it, having seen them and held them and still have to wait. Praying for you that the call will come you need so bad. <3

  3. Big hugs, Mandy. Always praying for you.

  4. Praying that your babies with be in your arms very soon.

  5. Thanks for the encouragement, ladies. I so need it and your prayers. We're in the homestretch, but it doesn't make it easier. Blessings!

  6. I'm so dreading that part of the journey. I long so much to meet her and I know that once I do the separation will kill me. I remember feeling that way as we prepared to get Oksana too and I remind myself that now it is a distant memory as it soon will be with Anya and for you too!