This is his first birthday with our family, his 5th birthday. The first of many birthdays, celebrations, milestones that we will celebrate on this journey through life with Samuel. We are blessed and I want to do a post with pictures from his birthday party and all the fun he'll have, but it will have to wait til next weekend. His party is happening a week from today. This evening will do our traditional birthday celebration here at home. Our family will have cupcakes, balloons, gifts and sing "Happy Birthday" to our Samuel. Just us. A Mom, a Dad, a sister, three brothers, we'll celebrate life, together. It won't seem significant in the grand scheme of things, but our hearts will be full and Sam will know that he is loved, cherished and chosen.
This morning, though, I'm torn. I had no idea I would feel this heavy weight, today, but I do. For you see, my joy is her sorrow. My blessing is her burden. My load is sweetly light and hers must feel enormously heavy, especially today. Who is this other person that my heart grieves for today? It is his first mother. She carried him in her belly. She knew the weight of him, the feel of him, more than that, she had longed for him for years. She was infertile and after years of no babies, she finally carried a precious gift inside her. He was her long awaited, often hoped for, silent prayer answered and then, he was the child she couldn't keep.
He was still a gift. A gift she didn't realize she was giving. She was a reluctant giver in this story and, today, especially today, I am thankful for the gift. The sacrifice she made. She gave him life, but was too afraid of who or what he might become to remain his Mother. My heart is overwhelmed with the knowing of all she missed, with the sadness of what could have been for my sweet boy and his other Mommy.
If I could tell her anything, today, it would be that he is loved. He is loved for who he is, just the way God created him. He is part of a family, a cherished son, brother, and friend. He will be celebrated in the little victories and the big ones. That extra chromosome that she must have thought ruined his life is the very reason he, now, has a family. God knew. God heard what must have been the agonizing cry of her Mother's heart. He moved obstacles and used people and prompted hearts to bring her son home. He heard. I want her to know that Samuel is loved and that God heard.
I wish that she could know this precious child. How he loves power tools, cars, animals, helping his Daddy on the farm. He loves his sister and his "baby" (what he calls Vaylo). He wants to be like Eli. He needs kisses and hugs the way most of us need air to survive. God knew. He protected him from the very moment he was conceived. He orchestrated a better hope and future for our boy. Her's and mine. Always. Hers and mine.
I promise a happier post, next week, full of fun and celebration, but, today, I would be remiss, if I did not acknowledge this pressing from the Holy Spirit to pray for Sam's first Mom. Will you pray for her comfort and strength as she faces the rest of today?
Hidden in Christ,